With apologies to the Dalai Lama

The games of the 29th Olympiad began on August 8th, in Beijing, China, and boy did they start with a bang. The Opening Ceremonies were a stunning amalgamation of technology and human precision that amazed, shocked, and even scared. A 500 x 70 meter LED display merged seamlessly with an enormous piece of canvas painted by the flowing movements of 5 dancers. A pyrotechnics display worthy of 10 Independence Days -- but hey, the Chinese did invent fireworks -- was overlayed by even more digital fireworks; the media had to inform us 4 days later that we had all been tricked. 2008 martial arts experts performed synchronized Tai Chi. 2008 drummers performed flawlessly synchronized... well, drumming. The list went on... and on... to the point that each performer performed only once; hundreds of thousands of performers, each performing once. This was art by an army. If this is how China opens a sporting competition, God help us if they decide to invade someone.


But China isn't invading anyone; we'll leave that to Russia. The Russian and Georgian medalist, in pistol, even, did stand peacefully next to each other on the medal podium, but 3600 miles away in Tbilisi, it's a different story. China, on the other hand, has been putting their best political face forward, something NBC's been calling the "Charm Offensive". The host nation has been open and welcoming (as long as your camera stays pointed in the right direction), and the people seem to be expressing some degree of personal freedom. That's not to say, however, that the gymnasts don't appear to fear beheading as a penalty for winning less than gold.


But they are winning gold. So are the divers. In fact, China seems to be excelling in every sport based on subjective scoring. If you have to be the first to touch the pad, look to Phelps. If it's about a ball going through a hoop or over a net, Team USA can make it happen. But, put a "judge" in the mix... well, let's say that the American uniform seems to have an adverse effect of an athlete's form. Perhaps all those stars and stripes are confusing to the eye.

I hate to be sour, and I try to be objective. I'm not the most patriotic person in this country, and often cheer on the Canadians, the Irish, the Russians, or any team that happened to catch me in a certain way. I like the Olympics for the spirit of competition, and to watch records being broken; I'm not effected by whether it's the Americans or the Ukrainians doing it. But what I've seem of the judging this year's competition bothers me. Men's gymnastics bothered me. I know China was the favourite, but that's all that seemed to matter. When the US men performed vaults of difficulty beyond any other team, their scores still couldn't touch the marks awarded to China for "adequate" performances.

Diving is a sport I understand much better. I have experience in it, I've coached it, and I understand exactly how it's judged. What I don't understand is how a dive with crossed legs, over-arched back, and over-rotation gets a 10.0. Well? Australian judge? Care to comment? OK, I won't jump to any conclusions about the character of anyone I don't personally know, but I will point out that bribes were handed out back when Salt Lake was petitioning to be a host city. Those who accepted said bribes have been discharged, so... everything has to be on the up-and-up now... right?

Speaking of money -- and while we're at it, speaking of not speaking -- let's discuss our friends at NBC. Nothing like critical journalism. Every once in a blue moon you'll hear a statement that sounds like it might want to be a dissent, but then it tapers off into "... and this is a pretty good dive, and it has a high degree of difficulty, so we should see scores in the 80's". We should see scores in the 80's because we've been instructed we will see those scores, the judges have been instructed give give those scores, and the broadcasters have been instructed to give those scores. Remember, this is still a totalitarian state.

If you missed Chinese totalitarianism, it was covered in the 1,000 year gap in the history lesson they gave us in the Opening Ceremonies. 250,000 BC: China invents fire. 2000 BC: Dynastic China begins. 1045 AD: China invents movable type. 1912 to 2006: Nothing happened. Then China got the Olympics, and China found freedom. It's akin to a German history book missing the pages from 1933 to 1945. And the media has bought into it. Once, just once, I caught an interpreter slip up, and render "I'm very happy to have won, and in front of all of China, and the Chairman is here." In every other occurrence the translation "President" seems to be preferred.

And President does sound better. It fits the image we're being handed of happy Chinese people, running little acrobatics studios out of their homes, and eating scorpion-on-a-stick at local stands. The puff pieces have been wonderful. Former pro tennis player Mary Carillo wanders around China, sampling the Government-sanctioned culture -- at one point one of her interviewees stated "entrepreneur" wasn't an appropriate term, likely because she wasn't entitled to actually make any money from her home business -- while Bob Costas (who made remarks on the China Team's possible drug use during both the 1992 Barcelona and 1996 Atlanta Olympics) instead repeatedly interviews Béla Károlyi, who's complete failure of the English languages provides us with great insight like "they must stay on the apparatus [pronounced ah-pah-rah-toose]".

Occasionally, though, there are some watchable Olympic events. Michael Phelps continues to build on his world record for the most world records, now the winningest human in Olympic History with (at the time of this writing) 11 Gold Medals. By closing ceremonies, he is expected to hold a world and Olympic record in each event he swims, a Gold Medal for each, more Gold Medals than any other Olympic athlete, and the most Gold Medals ever awarded to a single person in a single Olympiad. His mantra has been amended from "Eat, Sleep, Swim" to "Eat, Sleep, Swim, Get Medal, Get Drug Tested". Luckily, the urine, blood, hair, stool, and marrow samples he's given will prevent any questioning of his performance, and at least in this one event, there are no judges to somehow steal medals from the fastest man on Earth in water.

And so, all this said, I will continue to tune in, to watch all the events where medals are based on being the fastest, or scoring the most baskets, kills, or goals. Objectivity seems to be at a minimum at these games, but for those events where it still exists, I will watch...

with apologies to the Dalai Lama.