Self destruction

Archived MySpace blog
Current mood: groggy

Hung over... still.

I made the mistake of deciding to call in sick while I while I was still out. In a way, I guess I knew I needed a day, but the effect was sort of giving myself permission to get fucking retarded. I remember last night, but it is a bit blurry.

In my cloistered (right word, I think) existence, I build up, then go out and release. Unfortunately, if I'm not out drinking, I'm working, or at home doing absofuckinglutely nothing. I should build a macro of the 5 or 6 email accounts, PHP boards, and other websites I check religiously in sequence.

If I'm not in front of my computer, I'm watching some Discovery Channel program about building or rebuilding cars or bikes. I'd really like to get out there and actually try some of this stuff, but I don't have the budget to start such a project. So, I sit around thinking how cool it would be to do this or that thing to my Golf. I could probably do most of it myself if not for the lack of tools and facilities. So I wonder how ridiculously expensive it would be to have it done, and usually resign myself to completing the mod only in Photoshop. (The rallye stripes look awesome on the jpeg, but will probably never make it on my car.)

So I have all this pent up desire to be constructive, but all I get to do is think about it. I need a change. My job is frustrating, and my life is becoming equally so. So, once a week, I go out and unload it all, and have a good time (I think), and realize the next day that I really didn't. What am I doing?

Maybe I need to find a better down time. What does a 28 year old guy do to unwind. I've thought about it. Of the evening entertainments out there, is there one better suited for me than drinking? I'm fairly certain my liver hopes so. I really want to bartend -- all the fun, less alcohol consumption.

I'm losing focus, both in this blog entry, and in my life. Am I where I want to be right now? Do I know where I'm supposed to be? A year ago, I was living this same life, but I found it fun; I really felt like I was living. Now, I feel like I'm buying time, going through the motions. But what the heck am I waiting for? What great thing is going to happen to give my life purpose?

And will I survive until then?

Currently listening :
Audioslave
By Audioslave
Release date: 19 November, 2002