Archived MySpace blog
Current mood: melancholy
In Vino Veritas, sort of, except I almost feel sober.
I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. I doesn't really make much sense. The night just felt odd from the get go. 3 of the people I was with were drinking water all night. It was just that odd kind of night.
Went out to that place in the Valley. Sing a little karaoke, have a little send off for a friend who's moving down south (3rd send off really). Sang a couple songs I'd never tried before. Should have been a good night. But instead it was odd.
Seeing my friend move out of state shouldn't have been so huge. I don't think it was. We'd known each other about a year, nothing big. There'd been a harmless and pointless flirtation -- ladies, why is it that you flirt even when you know nothing could become of it, it confuses me -- but really, just a random friend; a once a week acquaintance, really.
So if that's not why I fell sort of odd at the moment, what is? I saw an old friend yesterday. She was in town from Germany for a couple days, so we caught dinner. Early tomorrow she'll be back on a plane for Colone. Won't see her again 'til July. But I talk to her online from time to time, and she's only away temporarily. That's probably not why I feel off.
I've been a bit preoccupied with another friend of mine of late. She's in a bit of legal trouble, and in central Europe (no, she lives there normally). Early Saturday I heard from her. She said she'd be going back to see her parents for a few the weekend, but left me with no information regarding her troubles. So, I worry about her a bit. But is that why tonight felt so off. Likely not, as I didn't even think about it until the drive home.
So what is the root of this oddest of feelings. You ever go out, and it just doesn't feel right? It feels like no one's quite having a good time. The idle chit chat is forced. I don't know. I just felt wrong. I sensed it the moment I walked in, and 4 hours later, I felt like I'd stayed far longer than I should have.
So, on the way home, I just thought. Every song sounded sadder than it should have, an although I passed the diner everyone went to after they left the bar, I had no desire to stop. It didn't foretell any better feelings than the bar I had just left. I came straight home, getting in about a half hour before even last call. And I type.
Think maybe I'll just go to bed, and hope by the morning things feel normal again. I'm a bit confused anyway, because I had Friday off, and by now I feel as I should be going back to work in the morning. How sad is it when a day off doesn't really feel like a bit of vacation, but instead just fucks with your mind. I don't like my job, but in a screwed up way, I think I missed it this weekend. Then again, ask me about it on Monday and I'll likely curse it as usual.
One last piece of the bizarre... at one point it the night I sneezed. When I did, my necklace of mahogany and hematite -- the one I wear most every day -- randomly exploded. My neck is not that huge. Very strange that it should just break like that. Little beads everywhere. If you believe in that kind of thing, hematite is supposed to absorb negativity. When it has absorbed more than it can bear, it is supposed to break. I thought I had pushed away all the negative people in my life. Maybe in the end, I broke it. All I know is I have to go to American Eagle or Aeropostále, and find something new. Life's too short to worry about the emotional stability of your neckware.
Showing posts with label in vino veritas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in vino veritas. Show all posts
13 February 2005
20 January 2005
random thoughts of the drive home (with 11 hour delay)
I will try to keep this honest and shut off the filter called sobriety. So, I will now attempt to make this post in vino veritas after the fact.
I think at this point I'm going to say that, contrary to the opinions of those who knew him before me, Charlie isn't actually a douchebag. He's kinda growing on me as a person. But that doesn't change the fact that as a KJ, he sort of sucks. I don't see any reason to tolerate that anymore.
Which brings me to "Buddy Bar-Owner"... The longer I know him, the more I think he kinda is a douchebag. He's maybe more like the friend that you know is a bad person. I had a friend like that a while back, he was a great friend, but really not a good person. The fact that my buddy owns a bar is no longer a reason to go to a bad bar. If he had a shred of integrity, and could keep to a promise, maybe. But then again, I wouldn't be going to see him at his bar at that point, I'd be going to work, or going to see Firecracker at work.
So, we made a good choice. Open Mic was a better scene. Cool to see Old-Friend-Bassist-Dude. Cool to see Firecracker's "brother". The rest seemed cool people, and although I hadn't known then for years, I felt pretty welcomed. Maybe next time I'll make the attempt to sing. Might check out Friday's show.
Have to admit, the competition for Firecracker's attention was a little thick. Maybe I'm only bothered by it because I was one of the competitors. Its sad that there are scores of guys who'd like nothing more than to have her to themselves, but at the same time are just the wrong guys. And so they are the endless stream of big brothers and Stanford Blatches, who but for the wrong time and place...
Human self image is such a strange thing. Why is it that we only see ourselves as being good enough, good looking enough, worthy of a certain level of person, and really understand our wants and value at a time when it no longer matters. Its funny how no one is out of your league when your no longer playing. But I have the feeling that if you were to come out of retirement, all the old insecurities would just come rushing back.
OK, I lied. There was another part from the random stream of thoughts as I drove that I think I'll have to cut. Another time perhaps, but not here right now. Sorry, I guess "indeed my hypocrisy knows no bounds."
Currently listening :
Nobody's Home
By Avril Lavigne
Release date: 15 November, 2004
I think at this point I'm going to say that, contrary to the opinions of those who knew him before me, Charlie isn't actually a douchebag. He's kinda growing on me as a person. But that doesn't change the fact that as a KJ, he sort of sucks. I don't see any reason to tolerate that anymore.
Which brings me to "Buddy Bar-Owner"... The longer I know him, the more I think he kinda is a douchebag. He's maybe more like the friend that you know is a bad person. I had a friend like that a while back, he was a great friend, but really not a good person. The fact that my buddy owns a bar is no longer a reason to go to a bad bar. If he had a shred of integrity, and could keep to a promise, maybe. But then again, I wouldn't be going to see him at his bar at that point, I'd be going to work, or going to see Firecracker at work.
So, we made a good choice. Open Mic was a better scene. Cool to see Old-Friend-Bassist-Dude. Cool to see Firecracker's "brother". The rest seemed cool people, and although I hadn't known then for years, I felt pretty welcomed. Maybe next time I'll make the attempt to sing. Might check out Friday's show.
Have to admit, the competition for Firecracker's attention was a little thick. Maybe I'm only bothered by it because I was one of the competitors. Its sad that there are scores of guys who'd like nothing more than to have her to themselves, but at the same time are just the wrong guys. And so they are the endless stream of big brothers and Stanford Blatches, who but for the wrong time and place...
Human self image is such a strange thing. Why is it that we only see ourselves as being good enough, good looking enough, worthy of a certain level of person, and really understand our wants and value at a time when it no longer matters. Its funny how no one is out of your league when your no longer playing. But I have the feeling that if you were to come out of retirement, all the old insecurities would just come rushing back.
OK, I lied. There was another part from the random stream of thoughts as I drove that I think I'll have to cut. Another time perhaps, but not here right now. Sorry, I guess "indeed my hypocrisy knows no bounds."
Currently listening :
Nobody's Home
By Avril Lavigne
Release date: 15 November, 2004
16 December 2004
Insomnia
Archive of the first MySpace blog
Current mood: awake
Why am I awake? Not that 1:00 am is so late, but soon it will be 2, then 3, then before I know it time to get up, and I won't have slept yet. This time tomorrow I'll be leaving the bar. Fun, but even worse for my sleep patterns. Enough whining.
I've spent most of the night fighting MySpace. Either their servers are over-taxed, or my internet connection is ungodly shitty. Either way, I've been minorly tweaking my profile under the most annoying circumstances. I've practically memorized the text of the page cannot be displayed page.
Got a PM from a friend yesterday pointing out my last Profile picture (since changed, but still online). Apparently a common acquaintance of ours, "CC", was looking at someone else's profile, and recognized me from their friends list, and felt the need to inform my friend (who's not a MySpace user). I was confused by this. Am I a topic of demented gossip? Was this done to make fun of me. Should I not have put a picture of my face up? Oh well, whatever, I guess in the end it gave me a story to tell.
I'm still trying to figure this whole MySpace thing out. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but I kinda feel like taking advantage of it. Put a little formless thought on electronic paper from time to time. The biggest question has been, in a world where image can be completely constructed from scratch, how do I want to represent myself? My profile lends itself to a lot of that question. What is the face I want to put out to the world when I don't have to use my own face?
I'm trying to define myself, and coming up short. Am I the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, the people I hang out with...? Maybe the answer is more "yes" than any of us want to admit. I think one's greatest asset is their personality, but how does one's personality get expressed in the absence of socialization. Its like trying to converse with a door; without feedback from the door, does the door find me interesting?
1:30 - I'm realizing that I'm still writing because I'd rather be talking. This is very one-sided, and I fear the door indeed does not find me interesting. My inboxes are empty, most people I know are in bed, and I feel alone.
Maybe I'm depressed. On reading this, I think I sound depressed. I'm about ready to delete the whole thing, but I probably should post it. Moreover, I should post something else another day, when I'm in a better mood. The contrast would be good to see.
Didn't go to work today, and I think the isolation is getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be at work, I'll see people. Plus it's Wednesday. I go out on Wednesday nights. (Sometimes I feel like an old man, my life is scheduled in such an odd way.) Get to see some friends, have something to look forward to during the day. I really hope Charlie isn't a douchebag tomorrow night.
1:45 - Stopped caring so much about what the door thinks. If all of MySpace thinks I'm the biggest jack-ass ever to turn on a PC, I can deal. If the people who do know me from outside of here can't figure out why I'm a douchebag tonight... well... I hope they'll get over it. I've been very angry at many things lately. When that stops, maybe I'll go back and express myself in a happier way.
Its been the better part of an hour that I've been writing this, hopefully it doesn't take nearly that long to read. I'm going to end this here, mainly because I don't know if there's a size limit, or if this will even post when I'm done (remember my connectivity issues of tonight).
If you made it this far... thanks for listening.
Current mood: awake
Why am I awake? Not that 1:00 am is so late, but soon it will be 2, then 3, then before I know it time to get up, and I won't have slept yet. This time tomorrow I'll be leaving the bar. Fun, but even worse for my sleep patterns. Enough whining.
I've spent most of the night fighting MySpace. Either their servers are over-taxed, or my internet connection is ungodly shitty. Either way, I've been minorly tweaking my profile under the most annoying circumstances. I've practically memorized the text of the page cannot be displayed page.
Got a PM from a friend yesterday pointing out my last Profile picture (since changed, but still online). Apparently a common acquaintance of ours, "CC", was looking at someone else's profile, and recognized me from their friends list, and felt the need to inform my friend (who's not a MySpace user). I was confused by this. Am I a topic of demented gossip? Was this done to make fun of me. Should I not have put a picture of my face up? Oh well, whatever, I guess in the end it gave me a story to tell.
I'm still trying to figure this whole MySpace thing out. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but I kinda feel like taking advantage of it. Put a little formless thought on electronic paper from time to time. The biggest question has been, in a world where image can be completely constructed from scratch, how do I want to represent myself? My profile lends itself to a lot of that question. What is the face I want to put out to the world when I don't have to use my own face?
I'm trying to define myself, and coming up short. Am I the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, the people I hang out with...? Maybe the answer is more "yes" than any of us want to admit. I think one's greatest asset is their personality, but how does one's personality get expressed in the absence of socialization. Its like trying to converse with a door; without feedback from the door, does the door find me interesting?
1:30 - I'm realizing that I'm still writing because I'd rather be talking. This is very one-sided, and I fear the door indeed does not find me interesting. My inboxes are empty, most people I know are in bed, and I feel alone.
Maybe I'm depressed. On reading this, I think I sound depressed. I'm about ready to delete the whole thing, but I probably should post it. Moreover, I should post something else another day, when I'm in a better mood. The contrast would be good to see.
Didn't go to work today, and I think the isolation is getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be at work, I'll see people. Plus it's Wednesday. I go out on Wednesday nights. (Sometimes I feel like an old man, my life is scheduled in such an odd way.) Get to see some friends, have something to look forward to during the day. I really hope Charlie isn't a douchebag tomorrow night.
1:45 - Stopped caring so much about what the door thinks. If all of MySpace thinks I'm the biggest jack-ass ever to turn on a PC, I can deal. If the people who do know me from outside of here can't figure out why I'm a douchebag tonight... well... I hope they'll get over it. I've been very angry at many things lately. When that stops, maybe I'll go back and express myself in a happier way.
Its been the better part of an hour that I've been writing this, hopefully it doesn't take nearly that long to read. I'm going to end this here, mainly because I don't know if there's a size limit, or if this will even post when I'm done (remember my connectivity issues of tonight).
If you made it this far... thanks for listening.
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