Insomnia

Archive of the first MySpace blog
Current mood: awake

Why am I awake? Not that 1:00 am is so late, but soon it will be 2, then 3, then before I know it time to get up, and I won't have slept yet. This time tomorrow I'll be leaving the bar. Fun, but even worse for my sleep patterns. Enough whining.

I've spent most of the night fighting MySpace. Either their servers are over-taxed, or my internet connection is ungodly shitty. Either way, I've been minorly tweaking my profile under the most annoying circumstances. I've practically memorized the text of the page cannot be displayed page.

Got a PM from a friend yesterday pointing out my last Profile picture (since changed, but still online). Apparently a common acquaintance of ours, "CC", was looking at someone else's profile, and recognized me from their friends list, and felt the need to inform my friend (who's not a MySpace user). I was confused by this. Am I a topic of demented gossip? Was this done to make fun of me. Should I not have put a picture of my face up? Oh well, whatever, I guess in the end it gave me a story to tell.

I'm still trying to figure this whole MySpace thing out. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but I kinda feel like taking advantage of it. Put a little formless thought on electronic paper from time to time. The biggest question has been, in a world where image can be completely constructed from scratch, how do I want to represent myself? My profile lends itself to a lot of that question. What is the face I want to put out to the world when I don't have to use my own face?

I'm trying to define myself, and coming up short. Am I the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the music I listen to, the people I hang out with...? Maybe the answer is more "yes" than any of us want to admit. I think one's greatest asset is their personality, but how does one's personality get expressed in the absence of socialization. Its like trying to converse with a door; without feedback from the door, does the door find me interesting?

1:30 - I'm realizing that I'm still writing because I'd rather be talking. This is very one-sided, and I fear the door indeed does not find me interesting. My inboxes are empty, most people I know are in bed, and I feel alone.

Maybe I'm depressed. On reading this, I think I sound depressed. I'm about ready to delete the whole thing, but I probably should post it. Moreover, I should post something else another day, when I'm in a better mood. The contrast would be good to see.

Didn't go to work today, and I think the isolation is getting to me. Tomorrow will be better. I'll be at work, I'll see people. Plus it's Wednesday. I go out on Wednesday nights. (Sometimes I feel like an old man, my life is scheduled in such an odd way.) Get to see some friends, have something to look forward to during the day. I really hope Charlie isn't a douchebag tomorrow night.

1:45 - Stopped caring so much about what the door thinks. If all of MySpace thinks I'm the biggest jack-ass ever to turn on a PC, I can deal. If the people who do know me from outside of here can't figure out why I'm a douchebag tonight... well... I hope they'll get over it. I've been very angry at many things lately. When that stops, maybe I'll go back and express myself in a happier way.

Its been the better part of an hour that I've been writing this, hopefully it doesn't take nearly that long to read. I'm going to end this here, mainly because I don't know if there's a size limit, or if this will even post when I'm done (remember my connectivity issues of tonight).

If you made it this far... thanks for listening.